In that vein, and since I need comedy more than I need another GW, JK, or MMO rant, I present you random Stephen Wright quotes, which make as much sense as moving does:
- What's another word for "thesaurus"?
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
- My school colors were clear.
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
- I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
- My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
- I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
- My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
- He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
- Hermits have no peer pressure.
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
- Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
- Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
- I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
- It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
- Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
- I'm a peripheral visionary.
- I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
- Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
- The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
- Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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